Yesterday as i left work, it started. The tears. I sat in the car sobbing the whole way home.

A combination of things, feeling emotional all day (drop no doubt) combined with the bullshit that went on during the day, plus an occurrence as i was leaving that i will detail here only to explain. An email i received asking could we not leave the hurt and anger behind, meet up, talk, be 'friends'.

I got home, and the sobbing continued. Deep gut wrenching sobs, like never before that wouldnt stop the whole evening. I had of course when i got home responded to the email with a rather lengthy and detailed reply as to why that could not happen from my perspective, not at the moment - maybe never. Why that friend no longer existed, could not be there any more, had no place now. An email from the heart.

Yes, i was proud of myself. I did what i needed to for me.

I realised as i went to bed, cuddlng into the cats, my heart breaking - that i wasnt crying for him, i was crying for me.

For everything over the past 12 months or so - the loss, the pain, the hurt, the fear, the rejection, the sadness, the regrets, the disappointments, the disillusionment, the frustration, the anger, the stress, the pressure, the loneliness, the loss of dreams, the future, the past - for everything.

For the past 12 months or so i have lived in a constant emotional pressure cooker. Always 'coping', always struggling, always handling things, working on things, doing my best, trying, being strong, denying and suppressing feelings, needs, myself.

Work, relationship, unemployment, financial issues. All at once, one at a time, relentless with no respite. And always - alone. Emotionally at least. I remember doing a stress test last year, my result being almost double the highest score - way off the radar.

And last night, it all came flooding out. For once - instead of bottling it up, swallowing it, putting on the stiff upper lip ... I let it.

Last night I grieved for myself. The person i was, the person i became, the person i wanted to be.

And so, today a new dawn rises. Today i bid farewell to this site and everyone on it, to all it represents to me. I wont be back, so dont bother answering.

Time to pursue my own life. My own dreams. My own happiness.

It should have happened a long time ago now.